Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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