you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
