Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
