I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
