you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
