call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Be still, my beating vagina.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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