I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
