I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You may now shotgun with the bride
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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