Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
