Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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