He uses pillows to masturbate.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
