the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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