I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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