Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
