i jhust puked up my retainher.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
