Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
