I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
