hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
