i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
