What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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