i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
