Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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