I heard we made out
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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