i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
