I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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