Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
