I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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