my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
