Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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