Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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