you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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