The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
