You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
