Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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