I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
