My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
