Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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