I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
