tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
