the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
