Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
