Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
