I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
