just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
