The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
