mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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