Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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