Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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