Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
