I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
