I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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