Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
don't judge my taste in strippers
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Randomize
