I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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