nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
