New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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