you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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